New Year's Resolution #1 was to lose some weight.

Well the weight just seemed to melt away through the magic of vomiting!

Seriously, if you're not a big sushi fan, I suggest getting into it. You just never know when you'll eat a bad piece of fish (Like I did Monday night) and wake up the next morning and throw up for 6 hours.

I honestly can't remember the last time I was that ill.

So instead of having lunch with a friend, I was giving lunch back to the community.

It's Friday and I still haven't eaten a full meal. Soup, crackers, Oatmeal.

The really nice thing was I had 5 people offer to bring me liquids, I felt very loved!

My friend Diane brought round 1, which consisted of some coke and gatorade. (Coke is very good for releaving naseau if you didn't know) and I got to hear stories of her two month trip to Mexico!!!

Then my sister took care of round 2, which was all I needed. She brought me 9 bottles of gatorade (with the sports drink tops because as she said "They're more fun to drink out of" plus two big bottles of coke and two bottles of gingerale. Good thing she works out! Holy Crap!

Plus the fact that she had to walk up 4 flights of stairs to get them to me!!! Do I have a great sister or what?

So I'm thinking today I should try eating real food again. As I've been stumbling around for the last two days. I actually lost my balance at my open mic last night and ended up leaning against the stage light at NYCC, thus blacking out J-L Cauvin for a good 10 seconds. Sorry J-L!

OK, now I'm just rambling,

Warrior needs food!

For the fourth time in three years I almost lit my apartment on fire. An accomplishment I am not proud of and which leads me to believe that "fire bad!"

Time #1
"Come On Baby, Light My Fire!"

Had a lady friend over my apartment we lit a couple of candles from Bombay Company and eventually made it into the bedroom (which is 3 feet from my living room which emcompasses the rest of my apartment. This leads me to wonder: Do I live in an apartment or a compartment?) and started to get it on. (Did I just say "Get it on"? Yes I did.)

I hear some sizzling and after checking with said lady and finding out it wasn't her looked in my living room to see said Bombay Company candle shooting flames up about a foot in the air. Not good.

Dosed the flames with a cup of water, which is my fire extinguisher of choice, and breathed a little easier when the fire was out. For my bravery in the face of fire, I went back in my bedroom and was rewarded.

Time #2
"I Used To Have A Toaster."

It lived under my kitchen counter extended on wheels thing next to my bathroom (which is next to my "kitchenette" which is in my living room in my compartment (yes it has been decided I live in a compartment.) Becuase of where it lived, my toaster was not very easy to peek into. Because I'm a moron, I left a piece of toast in the toaster from a previous toasting.

Interesting fact about toast: If you try and toast toast several times, it gets upset and bursts into flames.

So I look and there are flames shooting out of my toaster. Holy Shit!

Now I know you can't throw water into an electric appliance, water and electricity don't mix.

So I fill up a glass of water...

Take the half step from my kitchenette, open the door to the toaster (it was a toaster oven) and throw the water in. Of course as a safety precaution I jumped back at the same time. I'm no fool, no siree! To my absolute amazement, the fire went out and I was not electrocuted. Hoopa! I threw out the toaster and have not had toast in my apartment since.

Time #3
"Bavarian Almost Creamed"
The Austrian actress and I were finally on a date and finally back to my apartment. We were finally in the bedroom and were finally "making out". Of course I had gotten rid of that old Bombay Candle which almost burnt my apartment down the first time. This time I lit a different Bombay Candle, encased in a glass and rock outer thingee and thought "This will be fine."

Why am I so stupid?

Things are getting omm pa pa with the Austrian when all of the sudden my smoke detector goes off (every time I'm cooking!) I leap out of bed (with no pants!) and look at the candle. Once again Bombay Company proves they make the best candles for burning apartments down. This time two foot flames are shooting out of the candle. I try to pick it up and bring it to the sink...too hot! So of course I bring over my trusty glass of water and dose the flames. Oh excpet some of the flames decide to fall to my rug but unbelievably it does not light on fire. Phew. What does happen though is hot wax goes spilling over my coffee table, my wine rack, my lap top (closed fortunately) my rug and my floor. I am still trying to get the wax out!

By the time the fire was out, so was the Austrian. Omm Pa Pa!

Time #4
"The Festival of Fire!"
Last night was the second night of Chanukah and I wanted to light the candles. So I go to take out my menorah and it's not where I thought it was. In fact it's no where. God has fallen in love with my menorah and taken it up to heaven. Fine, let God have my menorah, I'm still going to light the Chanukah candles.

I get out my candles and burn the bottoms and afix them to a plastic plate (brilliant!). I say the prayers and now have three chanukah candles celebrating the history of my people. In an amazing show of foresight, I've placed the plate on the edge of my sink. Almost burn down my compartment three times shame on you...almost burn down my compartment four, shame on me!

I keep watch over the candles for a pretty long time. They're fine. I turn around for a minute to check my email (which has become a compulsion) and I turn around and my sink is on fire! Hoopa! Already has my handy dandy cup o' water waiting this time and after three dosings the fire is out and the second night of chanukah is complete.

Today I buy an electric menorah and the next time I get romantic with a lady in my place. She'll have to find romance in the darkness.

Posted on 12/20/2005 at 10:08 AM

I am on vacation for the better part of two weeks and I have decided to use my time wisely.

1. I am going to work out almost every day. Instead of getting in the habit of being lazy, I'm going to try to get into the habit of working out, so that when my usual life resumes, I'll be in the gym habit.

2. I am going to grow a vacation moustache. I have never grown a moustache and yes there may be reasons for it like they make you look like a 70's porn star, only gay men wear mustaches, and so on and so forth, but what the hell, it's my vacation and dammit, I can grow a mustache if I want to.

So watch out New York City, I am on a shaving my moustache strike and there aint no Taylor law to stop me!

Those of you who have had the pleasure of seeing me host (I prefer the term "Hosting" to "Emceeing") know that I am a pretty friendly host and love bantering from time to time with the audience.

Those of you who have had the misfortune of seeing me host when an audience member steps out of line know that I cannot stand rudeness and turn from nice guy Aaron Haber to vicious sonofabitch Aaron Haber rather quickly.

Enter last night's show at The Underground Lounge, which Geof Kole was nice enough to let me host. Things were going along fine, the audience was receptive, if not rolling in the aisles with laughter. But things were fun and light. Until...

I told a little racy joke which did not go over. That's ok, sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't, that's life. I made a friendly joke to the audience that they had lied at the beginning of the show when they claimed they weren't conservatives (I had asked for another joke). I said this in a friendly way and not a "My awesome joke didn't go over, so you're stupid" kind of way. And then the shit hit the fan.

Guy in the front, middle table yells out "No, it wasn't funny." but not in a friendly, "Haha we're all enjoying the bombing of this joke" way, but in a "I am the comedy lord and you have not pleased me kind of way" or to put it a different way, very rude.

From this point on it goes a little fuzzy as my purple pants started to shrink and rip and my flesh turned green and I started to destory military tanks.

"Excuse me?" I believe I said in my almost bubbling to the top anger (yet keeping control.)

He said it again, even more assholish.

"What's your name, asshole?" I inquired, because my inquiring mind wanted to kick his face in.

"Bob" I've changed the name here.

"Well, asshole, it's all very well and good to judge sitting down there, but your beer and a half doesn't quite make you the comedy expert. (even though I was thinking, well you are the audience so that does make you the expert on my jokes tonight, but you could have been polite and simply not laughed like the rest of the crowd.)

"What do you do for a living, which makes you a comedy expert, jerk face?" (I know I said "Jerk face" 13 years of improv training and performing and all I could think of was "jerk face". That's what happens when you start to lose your cool on stage, but rudeness just kills me!)

His evil friend says very smugly "He hires people like you, he works for Comedy Central."

Well shit, not only am I pissed, but now I'm fucked. I don't know if he's a producer or a copy boy, but it's not a good idea to get on his bad side.

So I continue to lay into him.

"Then he should know more than anyone else what proper comedy club etiquette is. Turn off your cell phone, don't talk during the show and If you don't like something, shut the fuck up...Bob!"

Maybe it was cutting off the nose to spite my face, but I couldn't help it. The fact that he was industry made it even worse."

I brought up the next comedian after another joke to cool things off...skin turning back to pale, hulk turning back into the devilishly sexy Aaron Haber. Phew!

Cut to half hour later. "Bob" and his table go to leave. He passes me on the way out and I'm ready for a confrontation. He leans over to me and says:

"blah blah blah out of line"

"Excuse me?"

"I'm sorry, I was out of line. You're doing a great job up there and working very hard and I apologize."

After a split second of being stunned, I replied.

"Thank you and don't worry about it. I apologize for laying into you so hard."

Bob: "It's ok...something, something."

Me: "We're cool. Thanks for coming. Have a good night."

That was certainly not the resoultion I had expected and I have to say that "Bob" has a ton of class to be able to apologize for his drunken behavior, while he was still possibly drunk. What a cool guy and what an unbelievably cool heckler experience.

Thanks Bob!

Man oh man do I love birthdays!

I don't care about the number of my age going up. It's better than staying the same and people saying "He would have been 100 this year, but he's dead, so f him." Sure I miss being a kid, hell I miss last year, but now I can appreciate those experiences even more.

I, being a comedian love being the center of attention and so a whole freaking day that people I know have to be nice to me? I mean holy crap!

Presents of course are also nice, but I guess once you hit the voting age presents sort of fall by the way side sometimes. But just getting friends together to celebrate is enough of a present for me! Besides I know that my moms (with my Dad pretending to know what he got me) will hook me up with some very fun birthday goodies and bake me a cake. (Am I perhaps the cheeriest comedian ever?)

If anyone is reading this wondering what to give me for my birthday here is a little checklist of things I would like.

1. Making out: Making out is fantastic, feel free to pull me into a broom closet this week and just make out with me! (This offer only extends to the ladies, sorry Alan Schwartz).

2. Comedian comments: I love knowing what people think about me, and when it's positive that's even better. So if you've seen me or know me and would like to give me a comedian comment, I'll love it and maybe even post it on my new website.

3. Death to all my enemies: Yes, I stole this from Steve Martin.

That's it from me, the birthday man,

Aaron Haber

New York Underground Comedy Festival!

I can't tell you how excited I am to be part of George Sarris' 3rd annual New York Underground Comedy Festival!
I'll be performing Oct 4th (my birthday!) at the New York Comedy Club on 24th Street between 2nd and 3rd.
I'm also very excited about this being my first blog on my soon to be launched aaronhaber.com website!!!
If you haven't looked around yet, do so! There's a lot to see...like some little movies of yours truly, some of my music, a picture gallery and pages for my acting, directing and teaching (I put the "busi" in showbusiness.)
Check back here for my thoughts, my complaints and sometimes brand new lil Aaron Haber movies.
And as always if you want to get in touch with me, email me at Aaron@aaronhaber.com (or go over to the contact page until I figure out how to link an email address on this here blog.

I love you,
Aaron Haber